Hers: Beyond 54 Days

One of the many wonderful uses
for my very smart phone.

The last days of my metta practice included glimpses of desire; the desire to finish this project, the desire to stop repeating the same phrases over and over, the desire to return to my breath, the desire to just breathe...

Well, here I am, just breathing. I woke a few days ago with an excitement. Last days always bring first days. And I was excited about my first day of returning to simple breath awareness. A sitting practice focused only on the breath, nothing else. Without my beads, I use a timer. I sit for 15 minutes, 5 less than my metta practice consisted of. Why? I don’t know. I just do. Another habit maybe?

Watching my breath...it was nice...this subtle movement, in and out, sort of...

 

In my asana (yoga posture) practice I often use a soft and steady yogic breath called ujjayi. It has a way of settling and focusing my mind as I move. It also allows me to gage where I am in my practice; as my breath changes, it also teaches. Strained breathing might mean I’m pushing too hard. But this breath is light and gentle, not forced in its control. As my teacher writes, “Do not overly control the breath. Breathe through your nose with a light ujjayi pranayama breath. Not every breath is the same; allow the breath to be organic. By overly controlling the breath we become fixated on control and mastery of the body.” So I breathe soft, easy ujjayi breaths, until I don’t and then I do and then I don’t and on it goes.



About 2.5 minutes left...

And on it went in my sitting practice. Without even realizing it, I begin to develop this subtle breath control. Until it’s not so subtle and I notice my groins are tight and my legs rigid, as though I'm trying to hold my body just slightly above the ground. And the soft whisper-like sound of my breath, audible only to me is now like a roiling ocean heard a mile away. What’s happening here?

...We become fixated on control.

 

My days with the metta practice gave me something to do. Something constant, maybe a way to control my sitting practice. Over and over. May I be filled with loving-kindness. May I be well. May I be peaceful and at ease. May I be happy. There was a focus; yes, thoughts came and went, but there was clearly things to focus on, images, words. Now, just the breath.

 

If you sit and watch your breath for any length of time without controlling it in any way, you might notice that there are spaces between the breaths, little pauses before the next breath begins. I’ve noticed in these pauses that I often feel a sense of timelessness, a space being created that has the potential to hold all things, all possibilities. It’s a silence that is more than silence. It’s a space that allows for hearing, listening. That space then grows and extends into the movement of the breath. It’s here that “things arise," (said in a deep and authoritative voice). Habits and tendencies, deep and not so deep understandings, answers to questions I may be mulling over, a growing self-knowledge, an ability to see things with a bit more objectivity...

Yet, it seems I'm a little lost without my metta phrases, I'm having a hard time finding this silence. Instead, I'm forcing things, exerting my control over something that will only flourish if I let go of control. I see it in my breath, I feel it in my body. I'm reminded of a trip I took by myself many years ago. I drove from Rochester, NY to the west coast by myself. I took 6 weeks and stopped to visit a number of friends along the way. Before I left, I was so excited to set out on my own with no one to comprise with, no one else to focus on. Still each time I moved on from a stop I found myself feeling so alone, scared, and a bit sad. I had no one but myself. I feel that now without my metta phrases, alone, scared, and a bit sad. But as I learned on that trip, feelings pass and the silence of being alone becomes comforting and calming, a place of refuge, a place where I can listen to whatever arises....it just takes a little bit.